Humor me

It’s time for me to once again put on my hat of sports commentator.  I just love this hat.  Bear in mind that I’m not a professional athlete, nor did I play sports in college, nor can I currently run more than like a mile at one time.  But that never kept me from speaking my mind about professional sports and pretending like I know at least as much as the doofuses (doofi?) on TV.  I know the most about professional football (boys are impressed), figure skating (can rank the jumps in order of difficulty, plus recognize them before takeoff), and gymnastics (my truest love, and the one I actually have dipped a toe into experiencing first-hand).  So naturally, when these sports are on television I make it a priority to clear my schedule and watch, ideally in solitude.  This eliminates unnecessary small talk about uniform color schemes, what kind of snacks are in the kitchen, and whether or not nude stockings look better over skates or not.  Honestly.

Last night I spent two hours absorbing every iota of NBC’s coverage of the 2013 P&G Gymnastics Championships. (The ‘national championships’ for you laymen out there.)  I didn’t tape it like I usually do, because the year after an Olympics is typically a snooze.  Everybody peaked 12 months ago, so the field is littered with either exhausted, half-in-shape older gymnasts, or younger, inexperienced ones.  At most you may have one or two who were born in the wrong year and whose careers will peak now and wane before 2016 rolls around.  But that’s just depressing to think about.  So, anyway, I didn’t tape it.  But that didn’t keep me from taking notes and commentating.  In many ways I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of performances.  It was not a splat fest by any means.  I know you’ve all been on pins and needles waiting for this.  Here’s my report card from the 2013 National Championships…

B+ to Simone Biles, all-around winner of the national title.  An up-and-comer, Simone had a total crash and burn a month ago at the U.S. Classic (a qualifying meet for nationals).  After a pep-talk from Queen Martha she bounced back and led this competition from the get-go, increasing her lead to almost 2 points before giving almost all of it all back on her final routine of the competition.  The pressure got to her once again, but her gymnastics and talent is off the charts.  She’s built like Mary Lou Retton with the mental toughness of a pre-London Gabby Douglas.  It will be interesting to see if she can hold out for another three years to Rio.  I suspect not, but time will tell.  An immediate asset in vaulting and bars.

A- to Kyla Ross, veteran at 16, and returning member of the Fierce Five.  Kyla is the only Olympian who continued training without break and it showed.  She floats.  Her grace, extension, and consistency will win her many international favors.  I look for her to do well at the upcoming world championships in Belgium.  Glorious bars and beam—hoping for some added difficulty in the next few years.

A to McKayla Maroney, other competing member of the Olympic team.  McKayla has survived a devastating Olympic vault final, numerous leg surgeries, and one viral meme in the past year.  She only competed vault and floor at these championships, but won both events and showed a new level of determination and awareness in her performances.  I look for her mental toughness to grow and for her to transition into the real leader of the United States team.  She wants redemption for her silver medal on vault in Rio…Maroney is the new Sacramone.  We’re impressed McKayla!

These three ladies are virtual locks for the world championship team.  Honestly, with only two per event, they don’t even need a fourth member.  I see the team shaping up like this:

All-around: Biles, Ross (if both hit, both could, and probably should, medal)

Vault: Maroney, Biles (if both hit, they’ll go 1-2 in the world)

Bars: Ross, Biles (possible shot for a medal, particularly for Ross)

Beam: Ross, Biles (this one depends much more on the rest of the world, but one could sneak in)

Floor: Maroney, Biles (both have a real chance for a medal)

So who does that fourth spot go to?  That, my friends, is what that final selection camp is for on the sacred Karolyi ranch.  Martha has tons of options to consider.  She can take another all-arounder and see what, if any, impact that individual makes.  She can take a specialist, although they’d have to be through the roof just to beat their American teammates.  So perhaps her best bet is to take somebody who needs the experience.  Somebody who isn’t going to peak in 2013 or 2014, but very well could by 2016.  If that’s the case she’ll want somebody young with lots of potential.  I’m not going to make a guess at this point, but if anybody reads this and actually cares, feel free to comment.

A bonus B goes to Nastia Liukin, for her surprisingly good commentary for NBC.  Nastia’s all grown up now, and whatever commentating training she’s done is paying off.  (Maybe she sits in her living room in solitary confinement and practices too.)  Obviously, I would have been willing to step in there and hold my own, but, you know.  Five Olympic medals compared to my 2 puny years of gymnastic lessons in middle school is a hard sell to Tim Daggett.  Still, if he could have watched me commentate I’m sure you would have heard things like “unbelievable, shocking, unreal, mind-blowing, out of this world,” and, my favorite, “if you had told me four years ago that Julie Smith would come in and commentate better than Elfi or Nastia I would have said, no way, it couldn’t happen.”

Oh, did anybody see the 13 year old on floor?  And did anybody hear what Tim said about her?  Yikes.