Update

We’re there. The musical is over! Both performances were well attended and went off without a hitch. Friday night’s performance was the first time the orchestra made it through the entire 45 minute show without getting off the click at least once. A feat we duplicated only once, on Sunday night. There’s something about getting it right the two times it counts that makes me feel like an Olympic athlete (which, as many of you know, is my secret aspiration-gone-by). There may have been a little fist pumping from the podium… Now that Almost There isn’t consuming my thoughts and calendar, you’d think I’d be sleeping a little better at night and have a little more time during the day. But I’m still having nightmares about forgetting my score the day of a performance or my co-director reaming me out for being unprepared. ‘Tis the season for joy and jolly…

Date Night In December. Roy and I have been ships in the night this month. We feel it, our kids feel it, our house looks it. We decided to do what might be the easiest DNI in the whole book this month just so we had a chance to sit down and relax a bit. We made white pizza with pickled peppers and sausage, a really good salad with homemade croutons and sun-dried tomato dressing, and Roy made incredible caramel popcorn with roasted peanuts that we snacked on while watching a movie in bed. We hope to aim for a more elaborate dinner in January.

Honesty. If I’m being candid, I’m weary. I’m physically weary—chasing two active boys around and putting out their scuffles, keeping Owen out of the breakable Christmas nativity scene, eating James’ gingerbread house, and pulling ornaments off the Christmas tree. I feel as if my attempts to do Christmassy things are only bringing out the controlling, frustrating parts of my personality, which is not good for anybody. (Don’t overlap your cookie cutter cuts, James. You’re holding the cutter upside down again. Don’t put two green ornaments right next to each other. Don’t eat the raw cookie dough Owen. Don’t Don’t Don’t.) I’m reasonably certain I’m not usually so nit-picky, and I think the stress of the month is aggravating it. I’m emotionally exhausted from feeling as if I’m constantly inconveniencing people. Inconveniencing my coworkers when I’m flying in last minute from dropping my kids off.  Inconveniencing my kids by having them spend so much time with babysitters in various locations. The late bedtimes and having to wake them up after they are already asleep to drive babysitters home. Students who deserve a more-prepared accompanist. A husband who deserves a wife who packs his meals ahead of time and spends a little more time thinking about what he needs in the midst of his chaotic concert schedule.

James has started talking in the third person again. Owen bit me this morning. I need a nap. Roy needs a nap and a day without sitting in a car for at least 3 hours.

We kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel. We know, on paper, that the week before Christmas will be home-centered and restful. We know that reuniting with dear family and friends over the holidays will be restorative and joyous. But feeling things is hard right now.

For those of you who are feeling the stress of this month similarly, my heart goes out to you. Take some time to rest if you can. A fifteen minute nap can be miraculous. So can a good piece of chocolate, a brisk walk, or contemplative classical guitar Christmas music. Find somebody whom you trust values you for who you are (not for what you do) and share a cup of coffee.

And know that it will be OK. There is grace and tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it.