I hate change. I hate it at all levels and I always have. My poor mother couldn't get rid of me in the womb, probably because I was clawing to anything I could grab to avoid eviction from my first home. I hate little changes. I hate when the layout on Facebook changes and I can't figure out where anything is. I hate when my evening plans are altered at the last minute. I hate when the grocery store stops carrying my favorite kind of popcorn. These things shake me. And they're small.
Big changes are immobilizing. I'm the type of person who's pretty good at everything I try. There's a reason for that. Before I try anything I sit back and watch good and long and figure out as much as I can about how it works before I dare try my hand at it. I research, think, reason, and then, maybe, I'll give it a go. Usually all that anticipating pays off and people say I'm "a natural." I'm not. I'm just a decent observer.
So if you ask me to leave my job to do something completely new, or move to a new city, or think about something challenging in the Bible (sell everything...really?!?) I will fight it with every fiber of my being. I don't know if I'll survive. And I might not be good at it, which would clearly be the end of the world.
VWH and I are facing some change this year. Change that doesn't even mean leaving the state! But it does necesscitate leaving our house. And moving to the other side of the city, which means being father away from some of our dearest family and friends. Twenty minutes shouldn't really make too much of a difference, but it's CHANGE. So I'm squirming and fighting and not sleeping.
I think back to the biggest changes of my life. There have been a few. Leaving for college was a biggie, especially a college that was six hours away from my homeschooled life. I knew I wanted to go, but I cried and dreaded and mourned. Deciding to marry my husband was a pretty big one, no? I knew in my head that I wanted this incredible guy, but the swirl of change surrounding it was terrifying. Having our first child...how are we going to afford, will we have room, will our marriage suffer, what about work, etc, etc. Commence dragging feet. Change=Scary.
I know scary doesn't necessarily mean failure. Or disappointment. Or even maintaining status quo. College, VWH, and James made, and continue to make, me THRIVE. I had to be talked into each of those things a bit, but I haven't regretted any of them for a moment.
So why can't I trust people who tell me that it will be OK and that new changes can be a good thing? I mean, I have already survived big changes and seen how amazing they can be! But I still don't feel any different about new ones. I don't trust others enough. I probably don't trust God enough. And then I don't trust myself either, because I suspect that I'm not thinking clearly about the situation. It's a fragile and lonely dwelling place.
Lord, I ask you to fill me with truth. I ask for your eyes, and the eyes of others. Free me of the chokehold I put around those fleeting things I deem 'safe and secure.' I ask for courage to let go of the petty things I hold too close. Help me to recognize wisdom, and receive it in humility. In gratitude I praise you for your blessings and abounding love.
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