Turning thirty didn’t phase
me. I don’t feel any older and I don’t think I look terribly old. (I remember
thinking my mom must be old when she turned thirty…the utter nonsense of children.)
I doubt that it’s the turning thirty part that has me all confused about life
lately, but they do seem to fit together somehow.
This is one of those blogs
that I may never press “publish.” It’s cathartic to just write and try to
summarize a zillion thoughts that have been zooming around my head lately. I’ve
had some help sorting through them from a few people, but writing is another
strategy. So here goes…
I’m a people pleaser. I don’t
know how much of this had to do with a strong emphasis on respecting authority
and obedience from my family situation and how much of it is just who I am
wired to be, but I’ve always put stock in keeping everybody happy. And if somebody
happens to be unhappy at me, I’ve equated that with some type of failure on my
part. Clearly there are unhealthy things about this, but I’ve gotta be honest
and say that pleasing people gets you places. Getting good grades (to please
professors) leads to scholarships. Practicing four hours a day (to please
teachers) made me a great musician and brought numerous job opportunities my
way. Thinking about what would make my friends and family happy has created
joyful memories and lots of laughter. And most of the time it makes me happy to make others happy.
But it has also always made
me feel weak. Like I never had a true opinion of my own. That I could never
hold my own in some kind of debate. I avoid political discourse like the
plague, and only know enough about the controversial discussions on Facebook to
see that most people lack a lot of wisdom and knowledge before spouting off in
a public arena. I could say that I don’t ever write on those long wall posts
because those people are wasting their time (which is largely true), but I also
secretly feel like I don’t really know what I’m talking about, ever, so it’s
better to just steer clear. People-pleasing also increasingly makes me feel exhausted and guilty. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't please enough people simultaneously in 24 hours.
Lately, in the past
couple of years, I’ve started to think less of how people view me. Don’t get me
wrong…it still almost always matters,
and I still want to crawl in a hole and die when somebody is upset with me, but
it’s not quite the crushing stranglehold it once was. My church job
has put me in weekly meetings with some very wise people, and they have
validated my contributions consistently. Maybe the timid things I share (only
when asked!) aren’t entire nonsense and/or obvious to all already? My
husband, who is brilliant and logical, listens to me and wants to know my
opinion before anyone else. And he usually agrees with me! (Really? Honestly?)
I want to think that this is
healthy. That maybe being a little more assertive and confident in myself is a good thing.
That I don’t have to live in fear of upsetting people and that not always
agreeing doesn’t mean that anybody is wrong or in a state of disunity.
But how do I balance that with
a spirit of humility? A spirit of selflessness? A spirit of always wanting the
best for others? I frighten myself when I DO have an opinion that I feel
strongly enough to share. It’s almost always a burning, passionate opinion that
leaves me breathless and exhilarated. It’s freeing. It’s terrifying. It
probably doesn’t change anybody else’s mind. But is that why I’m sharing it in
the first place? I think the explosion has a lot more to do with thirty years
of pent-up-ness of never saying what I actually think.
I think I need more practice.
I think I'm still growing up.
Darn.
Anybody have any thoughts
about this? (So much for not publishing…)
And I completely realize I’ve
used the word “I” more times in one post than should ever be allowed…
Today’s 1%: Shopped and
packed boxes for Operation Christmas Child. James helped me sort through items
and get them ready to send around the world. Love this ministry—it’s a lot more
tangible to shop with your three year old for actual gifts than explain that
you send money to support a child (which we do as well).
No comments:
Post a Comment