But I don't WANNA! Or maybe I do.

Today’s font is Mangal.  Let’s hope I don’t mangal this entry.

Ba-dump-shuh.

It’s a quiet Friday.  No co-workers or students around.  I’m listening to soundtracks at a slightly higher volume than normal, and glancing outside at the 50+ degree weather as often as I can.  To my right is a stack of “bad mail” that I need to double-check addresses and update in the database.  To my left is a packet of audition material for the United States Coast Guard Band.  I’m trying to take my New Year’s resolution seriously.  Take an audition in 2011.

I’m eyeing the excerpts warily.  This is the last step in a long journey of preparing to take auditions for real, grown-up, professional musician jobs.  I‘ve dragged my feet for a long time.  VWH takes auditions all the time for trumpet.  I’ve accompanied him to many of these auditions and I’m sure that’s part of the reason that I am stalling.  It’s stressful.  Really stressful.  To be honest, I’m not used to auditioning for something more than once or twice and not getting it.  The idea of repeatedly putting myself through the audition process is hard to swallow.  And the idea of not having any kind of financial return on that for a long time is even tougher.  We have musician friends who have been auditioning for years and years and haven’t won anything.  Unfortunately, I play the flute, where there are few openings and hundreds and hundreds of qualified people to fill the spots. 

But if I want to be a grown-up, if I want to advance myself in the world of music, if I want to not work here anymore, I have to dip my toe in the water.  I just know it’s going to be COLD.  This audition is relatively close-by, not a long list, no really impossible excerpts, and the pay is great.  It’s an ideal first audition.  But I still have this looming feeling of doom.  Obviously, I have little confidence in myself when it comes to this.  I know I have lots of areas to grow in and improve—I’m not “there” yet.  Others tell me I have a shot.  I suppose I have to trust them and not what my head is screaming at me.

It’s way easier to stay in the safe bubble of, “Oh wow—you’re amazing!” than to venture into the world of critical ears and scribbling pencils.  Maybe the view is OK when you’re outside the bubble.  Maybe I should stop saying “but” and go for it.

I’m still scared…