Quickish Hitters

Book Update

Book 3/50: Just Mercy. Wow. What a book. Read it in chunks, but do read it. I gave it to Roy as soon as I was done and he suffered through as well. A brave, wide window into the judicial system and the racial/gender/age inequalities that pervade our nation’s courts and jails. We both commented, “You know there’s always another side to all of these stories. But the sheer volume of these stories and data sure presents an incredibly compelling argument for major changes.” Also, do we even have a clue as relatively privileged, white Americans, what goes on in our country every day?

Book 4/50: Calming Your Anxious Child. Good news, I don’t think our child is clinically anxious. Bad news, this book wasn’t especially helpful. If anything, I resonated more strongly with some of the scenarios and issues, and I’m supposed to be the calm, wise parent. Score! <chagrined smile>

I’m currently reading Present Over Perfect, one of those NYT Bestsellers that’s popping up on all my friends’ blogs and FB pages as the “it” book. Our Morning Mom’s group has decided to use it in the spring term for a book study and I’m halfway through. I think I like the title better than the book so far, although there are definitely passages that have slapped me across the face. It has caused me to re-reexamine my current slate of commitments and tasks to see which are worth continuing and which aren’t.

The thing that is probably most borderline is my weekly night of teaching at our city’s local community music school. I spend two hours (plus travel) directing a couple of flute choirs, which is fun once I’m there, but hard to conjure up the energy to leave after supper when I know I won’t be back until bedtime. We usually have to pay a babysitter for three hours of time so I can be there, which, coupled with the not-for-profit organization’s pay scale, means I clear about $10 a week for my time and efforts. Is it enjoyable enough/beneficial enough to keep doing this? I don’t know. It’s obviously not about the money, as I am the world’s worst employee when it comes to submitting my biweekly timesheets. I justify this by telling myself that it looks a little better to get a big fat paycheck once every couple months instead of a measly one more often…

MMs

I started attending our church’s mom’s group on Friday mornings this school year. Part of this was because I am woefully uninvolved in the life of my church beyond what they pay me to do. Part of this is because I don’t know anybody outside of the music ministry. Part of this is because a morning of free childcare sounds appealing. Part of this is because I really wanted Kylie to come with me.

My experience has been mixed. I always think to myself, “Wow! This will be great! Other moms in the same season of life as me. Great food and a leisurely cup of coffee. Prayer and study.” And there are aspects that I do find very refreshing (like seeing Kylie every Friday morning). But I also walk away every week with a bit of confusion.

First off, I am not quick to make friendships. And making them in the context of a group setting is almost impossible. If I was hoping to make friends then MMs is a way to stand back and observe the pool of possibilities. Then I have to be brave and attempt to connect outside of the group with possible kindred spirits. This, quite honestly, is a lot of emotional work that usually just seems too hard.

Additionally, I wrestle with the worldview/mindset that seems pervasive in the group. Prayer requests center on marital issues, children in school, finding balance and cleanliness in the home. These are all legitimate, so legitimate, and in some ways I deeply resonate. But I also find myself inevitably drifting away to thoughts of the weekend services at church, of what repertoire would be best for my ensemble’s next performance, of what media sources to trust and why, of what does the Bible really have to say about the political discourse of our day, of whether a chocolate frosting with sour cream would be worth attempting next time I bake a cake.

I’ve witnessed a few brave women who shared prayer requests centered on a controversial topic (such as homosexuality or abortion within their families) and the responses included those who just can’t help themselves and offer their politically-charged, graceless opinions. And it just reeks of the same old same old mess. So I leave partially connected, partially more distant. I don’t know how much more I can stretch both ways before something has to change. Either my mindset or my attendance. Or something.

Worlds Collide

So at MMs last Friday I sat down at a table full of women whose names I knew. All of them. <major high five to me> Except one, but I was pretty sure she was new and nobody knew her. She stared at me curiously as I settled in at the table and reached for my smiling, gurgling nephew.

“Do you still work at *local city community music school*?”

“I do!” I smiled in surprise. “How did you know that…?”

“Oh,” she said, “I’m the payroll specialist there. I know exactly who you are. We joke in payroll that you should donate your money since you never submit your hours.”

I made some kind of jovial, half-hearted attempt to laugh my way out of it, but really I was mentally crawling under the table to die. I texted Roy that of all the women in the world, I sat down at the table with the one who probably hates me most. His grace-filled response? #besureyoursinswillfindyouout