Dear...

Dear male employee at Barnes and Noble,

Please don’t publicly reprimand me for riding your store’s escalator with my two small boys. I have a teeny tiny stroller that fits easily and I promise I won’t sue your store if something should go wrong. We COME to your store so we can ride the escalator, and when you yell at us my three year old feels shamed and his morning is spoiled. Also, people in the south can get away with calling somebody ma’am, but up here, especially when you bark it, it sounds rude.

Dear professional women in Starbucks,

I’m sorry I am wider than a normal human being when I am hand-holding a three year old and hip-hoisting an eleven month old. Please bear with me as I attempt to juggle them, two snacks, a handbag, and a small, hot coffee to the nearest available table. I clearly see that I am inconveniencing you and your journeys onward to important professional womanly things, but my boys are behaving beautifully and I will be out of your way as quickly as I can. And don’t look down at me like I’m a lesser human being. Just because I’m wearing jeans doesn’t mean I don’t have a masters degree and work hard at a great job on TOP of being a stay-at-home mom.

Dear professional man in Starbucks parking lot,

Please don’t honk and glare at me for nearly hitting your car. Au contraire—you almost hit ME as you came flying down the other side of the lot. I didn’t have a stop or yield sign and the intersection was closer to my vehicle. I noticed how you didn’t stop before pulling out into the crazy traffic and I hope you had a genuine emergency to be making such poor choices.

Dear to-do list,

                Why must you stare up at me, begging me to pay you attention? There are few things I’d rather do, but babies are tumbling all over and crawling up my legs and preschoolers are demanding books read and snacks and my 100% attention at all times. How DOES one get laundry downstairs when you have a baby gate to maneuver through that’s being blocked by said baby? How DOES one plan any kind of church service when said baby thinks the computer power cord is a Twizzler and the keypad is a drum set? How DOES one plan supper when you want something light and vegetarian, your three year old wants a sandwich, your baby wants canned green beans, and your husband probably expects a big meal after being gone all day?

Dear husband,

                It’s been too nice of a fall apparently, because now that you have been gone for two whole workdays in a row my rhythm and world is completely thrown off. Come hoooommmmmme. I need helllllllllp! This whole providing for your family thing…totally overrated. ;)

As a wise woman once said, “the days are long and the years are short.”

Today’s 1%: I’ve read Berenstain Bears' Too Much Junk Food at least five times to James this morning. He asked for “nourishing, crunchy carrot sticks” with his sandwich for lunch.